VENT

Bryan and I had a big discussion last night. About things that hurt our feelings and piss us off. People wonder why we don't want to go to big family functions just yet, well it's because when some people who have not met our daughter meet her for the first time, they just look at her. They don't say a thing. They don't acknowledge her existence. They don't say, "Congrats on your daughter", in fact, they try and not talk about her at all. If we do start talking about her, they walk out of the room. They don't want to feel awkward for 20 minutes of their life, well, screw you, screw that, if you cared about us so much then you can ask how we are, you can ask about her. You can talk and look and hold her like any other baby. We have the REST OF OUR LIVES to deal with this shit and to feel the way we feel and you can't give us 20 freaking minutes. We NOTICE and it makes us so mad. Then when expressing how mad and hurt it makes us we get "People don't know what to say. You have to understand." Well no, we don't understand anymore. We don't understand how so many people can be so selfish and ignorant. We don't understand why life is so unfair. We don't understand a lot of things so forgive us for not understanding that you can't muster up the nerve to acknowledge our new daughters existence.  Then there are those that say really stupid things. "I think she's going to be smart!" Well what if she's not ? What if it's severe? Does that make her less lovable? Less worthy?  The last time I checked a fancy college education does not make you a good person or even a smart person. In fact, some of the most ignorant, cruel people are the ones with fancy abbreviations behind and after their name. "It's a shame this happened." What is a shame? The fact that my daughter was born? A shame she exists?  Maybe it's a shame you said that because we won't ever forget those words.  Be careful of wording, it means a lot more then you think.  "Maybe you shouldn't have more kids..." Yep, because clearly it's our fault right?  The mother who has terrible spring allergies but would just lock herself in her house breathing through a wet washcloth because I didn't want to take any medication when pregnant. Yep...I did something wrong, huh? It's not anything "messed up" with our genes. She has trisomy 21, the typical form of Down syndrome. The random form. It has nothing to do with Bryan and I "causing it" It happened randomly. So before you go spewing off the mouth about how "messed up" we are, remember that, random. It could happen to you too.  "When did it happen when you were pregnant?" So you really think she had 46 chromosomes then an extra one slipped in there mid pregnancy? Conception or before. An egg or sperm could have already been "sticky" before it even connected with the other. Or it could have happened right when they connected. We will never know. We will also never know, "Who's fault it was" We don't want to know. I already have enough guilt because the odds are always in favor of the woman...but we won't ever know. Please don't ask. We also won't know how severe it is. There isn't a magic test to tell us. It's one of the unknowns I talk about so frequently. We will learn as she learns.  Then there are those specialists on Down syndrome. We never knew they knew so much before but all of a sudden they can tell us everything we need to know about DS. Much of it being wrong. Just because you met someone with DS before does not mean you know everything there is to know. Just because you worked with a child or  read an article online does not mean you know everything. We don't know everything there is to know, but I can just about guarantee you that we, as her parents, do know this syndrome well. We have one thing to learn and we will and have learned it inside and out. We have been the ones to  read the books, watch the movies, talk to the doctors and specialists, live with it everyday. So unless you are her doctor or therapist, spare the medical knowledge and treat her like what she is to you, whatever that may be. Yes, maybe we are overly sensitive these days. But wouldn't you be? Would you not look at "typical" families and long for that? And grieve for what you missed?  Would you not want to take away an obstacle for your child? Would not take away potential hurt from your child? Would you want people judging you and your child everywhere you go? (What did they do to make this happen? What is wrong with that baby?) Would you want to to be the family everyone talks about but no one wants to talk to? You might think we are being dramatic but I don't think so. We are pretty realistic with our expectations and our feelings are pretty normal. Don't judge it, us or her until you have gone through it. Last time I checked no one else in our life is or has. I feel we are entitled to feel this way. Entitled to get pissed off. We smile and grit our teeth and ignore the things that hurt us most and then yell and vent once we are home, but sometimes we want to scream it from the rooftops that we are pissed because damnet what we have learned more then anything is that a lot more people should be considered intellectually challenged and those people don't have Down syndrome.

VENT OVER