A Birth Story

October 13, 2010- The day our lives changed forever. In so many ways.

We arrived at the hospital around 4:30 AM. I had been having regular contractions all day/night long. I was so excited. We were about to meet our second, beautiful daughter! I was already at 5 centimeters when we arrived. It wasn't going to be long now! By 8 am I was ready to push! At 8:17 am Alyssa Brianne made her way out and into the world. All 7.7lbs. and 19 inches of her. She was placed on my stomach and I froze. "Down syndrome", "She looks like she has Down syndrome..." that is all I thought in my head. The nurses took her to the warmer and my husband, Bryan, said "She looks like Aubrie!" , "REALLY?" I said. I didn't believe him. To me she looked NOTHING like Aubrie. It gave me some hope that maybe my eyes were seeing things. After all, my whole pregnancy I did follow another BLOG about this sort of thing happening. Maybe I was just nervous? She had to be just smushed because she came out so fast. She had to be. The nurses got quiet, they kept her in the warmer longer then usual...and I knew in my heart I was right. They gave her back to me and I looked into those eyes...she had Down syndrome. My baby had Down syndrome. I'm 25 years old, my ultrasounds and quad screens came back perfect, but my baby has Down syndrome. How is this happening? Bryan, unaware of anything was standing beside me looking over her with a proud grin on his face. I couldn't look at him. My OB came and wrapped her arm around me and began saying, "Your daughter is perfect, she is beautiful, but..." I cut her off. "I know she has Down syndrome!" then sobs came from so deep inside me I didn't know they were possible. "Yes, baby she does. Your pediatrician is on his way." she said. "This is a dream! This doesn't feel real. This isn't happening! NO!" I yelled through tears. I'm not even sure what anyone else said right then all I know is everyone cleared out and left us alone. Bryan went to tell our family who were in the waiting room. And it began...

The hospital was terrible. No one knew what to do or what to say. We didn't receive congrats. We received sympathy. Everyone was awkward. Everyone was quiet. Everyone was in shock. We just wanted to be left alone. I couldn't stand having anyone else around but Bryan and Aubrie. The nurses were great but they all were prepped before entering our room "The Down syndrome baby's family". 

We were grieving. We were grieving hard.  I wanted that typical daughter. I wanted that typical family. I DID NOT expect this. I trusted modern medicine to alert me. How could this be? I wanted to run. I wanted to take my perfect life and run far away from this. I wanted to be pregnant again and this time with Alyssa with 46 chromosomes. I HATED that extra chromosome. I HATED it.

I love being pregnant. I had two beautiful pregnancies with no complications.  I love labor and the feeling of pushing life out of you. I wanted a huge family. Now I wanted nothing to do with any of it. I will NEVER have any more children. I was ruined. I was tainted. I was scarred. I was scared. It will never be beautiful and pure and innocent again. I felt ruined. I felt broken.

We left the hospital early. We had to get home, had to get out of there. At home we began to get to know our little Lyssie. She was beautiful. She was precious. She was WONDERFUL.

We have so much in store for us. Working through our shock, How did this happen to us? Our anger, We are so MAD this happened to her, to us. Our grief, We will never be that typical family. Our fear, What will the future hold? Will she be ok? Our acceptance, she is our child, she has our heart and soul, she's beautiful, she's wonderful.  It won’t be easy, there will be good times and bad but she's Alyssa, she’s the baby who grew inside of me, keeping her precious little secret until her arrival, she’s our designer gene beauty. Our second born daughter. Our heart.